I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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