apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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