She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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