You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
