if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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