ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
