I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
