the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
she told me i tasted like america
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
