I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
