so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
