Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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