I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
