when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
