I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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