I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
