so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
