if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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