I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
