Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
