Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize