please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
