Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize