so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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