every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
