bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
