Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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