She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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