i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
