There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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