Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
