im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
