You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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