I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
