I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
