Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
