Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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