Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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