That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
