I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Is it penis luge time yet?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
