I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
