the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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