Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
