at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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