You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
