My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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