If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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