every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
