Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
