Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
