Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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