Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
