no, he came in my armpit
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
