Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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