NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
