On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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