Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
