took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
