Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
